Alone
by PandaPjays
Summary: Kai ponders life and his place in it
1. Chapter 1

I started to muse life in general at 3am in the morning (admittedly not when I'm at my sharpest) and came up with this. It's completely pointless but I think I was actually on to something- or that could be the insomnia speaking O. O

Anyway it's from Kai's POV so enjoy reading.

**Disclaimer:** I don't, won't, can't, shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't own Beyblades

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Loneliness. Is it an emotion or a state of mind? I've always wondered. But, then again, I've always been lonely so maybe I'm not the best person to ask about it. Maybe Loneliness needs to be thought about with detachment.

But I can't detach from the feeling of being lonely. I can detach from anything else. Hell, if it weren't for gravity I would have detached from Earth by now.

Now that's an interesting thought. If I weren't attached to the ground then I wouldn't have to be around people. Then I truly would be alone.

But if it's possible to feel alone when people surround you is it possible to not feel alone when no one is around? Now _that's_ a thought to ponder.

Maybe it's possible for other people but not for me. I am always alone. I can try to surround myself with friends but it will never work. I am alone.

I even tried to fill the void in my heart by having someone to love. But even then I messed it up. I couldn't change who I was and I drove him away too.

_Just talk to me! Tell me what's wrong!_

Maybe I just can't relate to people at all. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. If I don't share what I think, my thoughts can't hurt anybody. Or at least that's what I used to think. But maybe hiding what I think just hurts people more.

_Don't you trust me enough to tell me anything?_

Trust always has been hard for me. I just can't bring myself to have total faith in someone. I'm too afraid I'll get hurt. At least if I don't trust I will not be hurt by others.

That seems rather selfish doesn't it? I won't trust other people so I won't be hurt. I know that my distrust hurts people but I still refuse.

Self-preservation, I suppose it's called. But is this lonely existence, I can hardly call it a life, is it true preservation? Or is it a complicated exercise in denial?

No man is an island. That saying has always puzzled me. Why can't people be islands? Islands are places of peace and harmony. Islands are the places that shipwrecked sailors long to see. What is so bad about being an island?

People could argue that islands are lonely, desolate places. But that's not really that different from me is it? Maybe I am the proverbial island. But where does that leave everyone else?

If I'm an island then there has to be boats. People who have a way of reaching islands are rare but they do exist. _He_ existed.

_Stop staring at me like that! Can't you just say something? Anything?_

Maybe it's a choice. Do you choose who you are? Or are you just handed a personality? While the munchkins are assembling you on the big conveyor belt of life do they add in a personality like they would a hand or foot? Or is it a choice?

Can you choose to be something other than what you are? Even that statement says that there is not choice. I have no choice but to be an island. I have not choice but to be alone.

If I have no choice then why are there boats? Why does he exist?

It's too cruel to think that he exists only as a reminder that I am an island, apart from everyone else. I remind myself of that everyday.

_I can't live like this anymore! I just can't be here._

I guess it's down to what you believe. Choice or Fate? That question has stumped famous philosophers throughout history. Is what we do a result of our choices or is our path predetermined?

If it is all a result of choice I obviously made a bad decision somewhere along the line. That choice cost me my happiness.

If it's all a result of Fate then my karma sucks. I obviously drew the bad hand from the deck of life.

_I just can't stay. I can't be with you_

Maybe I just drive people away. Maybe I'm like poison ivy? Now there's a thought. People try to see what I'm like because of curiosity but then they see the true me too late.

People wonder why I hide me. Maybe I don't hide it. Maybe they are so busy looking for the inner me they don't see that what's on the outside is me. I am a selfish bastard. There is no escaping that fact.

I may have built up on it but I had to have something to build on.

I hope that that was a choice of mine. Choices can be undone. You can choose to turn around and backtrack your steps. You can choose to continue down the path that you have chosen.

People wonder why my place of choice is somewhere high above the ground. It's so I can see that I could end my poison ivy-island-lonely existence. I can see that I could always jump and finish it. But I chose not to.

I choose to wait for another boat to sail towards my shores.

_I'm sorry. Goodbye._

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Depressing? Yes. Odd? Definitely.

I'm going to leave it to your imagination to decide who the mysterious _him_ is. I don't know either. Just pick your favourite Kai pairing and run with it.

Please tell me what you think- I love getting reviews.


	2. Chapter 2

I was just going to leave this one as a oneshot and then the dreaded _exams_ came. So to distract myself from stressing about them I wrote a second chapter. I hope that you like it. I still haven't decided who the mystery _him _is so just run with your favourite pairing,

It's from the POV of _him_ so enjoy

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Beyblades

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Oh God. I didn't just do what I think I did, did I?

I didn't just leave Kai, did I?

I couldn't have, it's just not possible. I wouldn't do that. I couldn't.

_Wouldn't, Couldn't, Can't, Won't_

I did.

Oh God. I did! Why would I do something like that? No! I can't live without him. I can't live without his love.

But did he love me?

He never confided in me or even trusted me. Is it possible to have love without trust?

I never thought it was possible because to love is to completely trust. To love is to give yourself completely to one person. Or maybe my definition of love is not the correct one.

Is there a correct definition of love? Can it even be _defined?_ If it can't then how do I know I was in love with Kai? Still _am_ in love with Kai, for that matter.

_How do I know?_

Maybe it's a different emotion that I'm feeling for him. I've never felt love before so maybe I'm just mistaking this feeling for it.

Besides, if I truly loved Kai I wouldn't have left. I would have put up with his nature. I would have understood how hard it is for him to open up to people.

Maybe I'm the one in the wrong for not understanding him. Is there anyone truly in the wrong here?

Is Kai in the wrong for being himself? Am I in the wrong for being myself? Maybe we weren't meant to be together. If we were, why would we be here?

Why would I feel like this?

Surely love can't feel like this? I feel like I'm being torn in two. Why did I do that to him?

Maybe I didn't do that to him and it'll all be fine. Maybe I just imagined all of that. I imagined exploding at him when he wouldn't talk to me yet again. I imagined telling him that I couldn't handle being with him. I imagined him leaving here.

Yes, I did imagine it. When I go into the lounge room Kai _will_ be there. None of that happened. It was all a dream and I'm going to go in there and tell him about how horrible it was. He'll then comfort me by giving me a hug or similar.

That's definitely what's happened and what will happen. I could never have said those things about Kai. I don't think that about him. I love him and if I have to reach out to him instead of him reaching out to me so be it. That is who Kai is and I accept that.

What am I saying? Of course it all happened. I'm just working myself into a nice fairyland of denial. Denial never helped anyone.

But if I did do all of that why am I still here? Why aren't I following him? I can't go through this pain alone. He's the only person I trust enough to share it with. He's the only one who would listen to me and try to fix my pain.

But he causes my pain. So going to him to fix it is ridiculous.

_Can't stay away, Can't go_

What a predicament I've gotten myself into. I can't go to him because of the pain he causes me but I can't stay away because I love him.

Is this what love is meant to be like? Is love meant to be painful? If it is why isn't that ever mentioned anywhere? Whatever happened to soul mates and living happily ever after?

Is none of that true? If it's not true then why are there so many stories written about them. Why do people write about something that is untrue? Or is it true and I just haven't experienced it yet. Maybe Kai isn't my soul mate.

But I love him. Is it possible to love someone without them being your soul mate? I mean truly love, not superficial, but true love. I am so in love with him that I would die for him. I fear losing my life but I fear losing him even more.

_Losing, Lose, Lost_

But haven't I already lost him? I did just tell him that I couldn't be with him. Did he believe me? It's bad either way.

If he did he is gone forever. If he didn't then he never takes anything I say seriously and how can I love someone like that? Even if he doesn't trust me I hope that he at least respects me.

How do I even know that? I never had the chance to ask him questions like that. Questions about whether he respected me or if he trusted me even a little bit. I never got to ask him whether he loved me.

I might never get another chance. What if I never see him again?

I can't live with that thought. I can't live without him. I have to go out and find him.

Kai! I'm coming.

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Now wouldn't it just suck if I ended it there? Thankfully I'm not that cruel but you may have to wait a bit until I'm feeling suitably reflecty to write the third (and hopefully final) chapter

Please tell me if you like it and feel free to criticise


	3. Chapter 3

The final instalment! I'm feeling very reflective today so I can't guarantee a happy ending. I would have loved to me this last part a songfic but doesn't allow them anymore /grumbles/ and I don't particularly want this fic to be deleted or to be banned so I'm just going to recommend that you listen to Finger Eleven's 'Sick of it All' while you read it. Ok? Oh btw back in Kai's POV.

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I sigh as I stare out at the scene before me. Is this how it is always going to be? The world continuing on while I sit here and contemplate? I guess the world doesn't stop for anyone. People stop for the world but not the other way around.

That's kind of selfish of the world isn't it? I suppose it does have to keep on spinning. Time has to move on. Time has to end perfect moments. It has to prolong suffering. Maybe it's not the world that's selfish but time?

Time seems to be the enemy. Or maybe it's a friend and I'm the enemy? That's a confusing thought.

Needless to say, even though I've come to a standstill the world is going on like nothing has happened. Like my private world hasn't crashed and burnt.

There's plenty of fish in the sea. At least that's what my mother would have said if she were alive. Or at least I think so. I can't really remember her. Time's fault, I suppose. Time not only creates memories but also makes them fade away.

Fading memories into a pool of despair. That's in interesting mental picture. Kind of describes my life/existence. Maybe the point of my life is to see how far I can dive into my despair? I seem to be getting deeper and deeper the older I get. And I'm a teenager. That's really sad when you think about it.

How far could I get in my despair before I give up on hope? The faintest glimmer of hope stops me from plummeting down into the depths of my pool. The faintest glimmer is all I have left, really. If I only kept that faint glimmer then I could keep on going. I wonder how deep my pool is?

I wonder what happens when I hit rock bottom? Is that the point when you die because you've given up on life? Or is that the point when you say that it can't get any worse and an earthquake hits, creating a deep fissure in the bottom? It'd be worth hitting the bottom just to find out.

Unless, of course, the death option is the right one. If I die then I don't even have a chance of finding happiness again. Not a skerrick of hope.

Is that what death is? All hope gone? Falling into your own pit of darkness and letting it consume you? I guess I'll find out one day. I _know_ I'll find out one day. Not today though. No, not today. Today I have to prove that I can do this, if not to Him or to the world then to myself. I have to prove that I'm bigger than this.

But maybe I'm not. Maybe I should stop teasing myself by standing here and showing myself the way out. Maybe I should take it. Maybe I should just take one step and then a few seconds of flying. Truly flying. Before nothing matters anymore.

Maybe I should. He will certainly never forgive me. He won't forgive me for being me. Who else am I meant to be? Can I be someone else? Pretend that I had a bad case of mistaken identity? But I've just defeated the purpose in that sentence.

_Pretend_. I can pretend many things. I can pretend I'm not tempted to finish my life here. I can pretend that He still loves me. It doesn't make a difference. It's all pretend.

Just like I can pretend that he is sorry for what he said. Like I can pretend that he didn't mean any of it. Like I can pretend that he still wants to be with me. All fake. All a mockery of the truth.

Truth is relative though, isn't it? I mean, there's my truth and then there's the rest of the world's truth. Truth can become lie. Fact can become Fiction. It's all a point of view.

Sometimes I wish I could step outside of my skin and look at the world from a different point of view. Maybe then I'd understand more. Or I could understand less.

Understanding is relative too isn't it? Is there anything that isn't subject to change?

Is there anything that is cold hard fact? Or is it all changeable? Is there anything that I can anchor myself on? Any truth I could cling to that would keep me from falling? I used to think that it was our love for each other. I guess I was wrong about that.

I seem to be wrong about a lot of things lately.

Like am I wrong about the world? Do we live in a pretend world? Or do we live in the real world and this world that I'm in right now being only a dream? Dreams normally have happy endings, don't they? Or is that a story? Is a dream the same thing as a story or are they different? Where is my happily ever after?

Did I lose it? Did I lose it when I lost Him? Or am I on a new path heading towards my happy ending. – Or heading straight into my pit as the case may be.

"Kai!"

My name… Or is it mine? There are plenty of other people named Kai. So can it really be called mine? Does that even matter?

"Kai wait! Please!"

What does he expect me to do? The only way I couldn't wait would be if I stepped off this cliff. And I could never do that. Not because I don't want to. I'm too scared.

I never thought I'd get scared. I'm never scared. It's like I was born without the fear gene. But this is my one true fear. My fear of the ultimate unknown.

Is love like that too? I thought I knew it but obviously I was wrong. What was it then? What did I feel for him? If love is a lie then what did I feel?

"Oh, thank God. Kai, I am so sorry. I was upset and I was saying things without meaning them and I couldn't stop, Kai! I just couldn't stop! Then I left and I realised what I'd done and I came back and you weren't there! And I realised that I couldn't go on without you being there! I need you to be there, Kai. I don't just want you I _need_ you."

He flings himself on to me like a drowning sailor would cling to a rock. Ignoring the barnacles and the slippery bits. Just holding on for dear life.

I growl and fling him off my back. I would not be like that rock. A sailor only holds on to a rock until something better comes along. I can't let that happen. He could drown. He could drown in his own pit of despair. And I would watch and watch until I could watch no more.

I watch him now, keeping my emotions behind an icy mask. He was the only one who penetrated my mask. He was the only one who though to look behind my mask to find the small, scared person behind it. No more.

He stares at me and reaches forward to grip my arm. I shake him off and take a step away from him, putting distance between us.

"Kai. Please!"

Every one of his words is like a knife in my heart. Is there any other pain this great? Is that possible? I want to turn around and accept his apology. I want things to go back to hope they were. But I can't. I just can't.

He'll only hurt me again. He made his feelings clear. What do you say if not what you mean? You can say what you mean without meaning what you say. So is it possible to not mean what you say while saying what you mean? Isn't that the same thing?

"Kai. I'm so sorry. Please don't go. I wouldn't survive. _You_ are the anchor that holds me here. Without you I would float away. And even if I do, I will _always_ float back to you. Don't go."

Where does he think I am going? I wish I had wings so I _could_ go somewhere. I'd leave here and never come back. It would hurt. God, it would hurt, but it'd be better then standing here listening to his lies.

He reached toward me again and I stepped back. My foot slipped and I overbalanced. I fell.

I'm not ready to die. But then again- who is? Who wants to know what is beyond death? I scrambled to find something to hold on to. Even pain is better than that journey.

I tried to hold on to the edge but my grip was loosening. I'm going to die. I'm going to die and the last thing I did was ignore the person who matters to me most in the world.

If love is a lie and life is a dream and death is unknown where am I? Where do I fit into this equation? Am I in it? Not for much longer if my grip is anything to go by.

Something warm clasps my wrists. "I can't let you go Kai. I need you too much. I _love_ you too much."

With a colossal effort he drags me back over the edge. He pulls so hard that he falls over and I land on top of him.

Am I still in the equation? Was I meant to die then? Was I meant to be rubbed off the blackboard of life? Is he the child who asks a question just as the teacher is poised to destroy my existence, giving me a chance to live?

I stare down at his face. Tears glisten on his cheeks. Did I cause those?

Arms wrap themselves around me and he clings to me. Not like a sailor would to a rock. But like a lover who almost lost what was to precious to him.

"Never do that again. Please. If you had died I would have died in the instant your soul left your body. Maybe my body wouldn't have but _I_ would."

His arms squeeze tighter like he is never going to let go. Like he couldn't let me fall into my pit of despair alone. Like he would dive to me so we could fall together.

I shut my eyes and lose myself in the embrace. Is this what love is? Someone so close to you that it hurts, falling into the deepest pits of hell with you for no other reason than they're with you?

"Come home, Kai. Come home with _me_."

Maybe life is not as complicated as it seems. Maybe the only pit is the true pit of sadness. The despair of being _alone_.

**End**

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Ok. Nice and finished now. I hoped that you liked my random reflections on the world. And I -still- didn't reveal who the He is (and still don't know, mind you) so it's definitely a pick your fav pairing and run with it deal.

Please Tell me what you think


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